Remember the last post I made about using love to keep yourself from drowning in sadness? Yeah…that new love is either changed or dying – I haven’t quite figured that out yet. I just wanted to make a quick post about what I have learned so far during my brief 2-month stint with “love”:
Relationships should be intentional for all parties involved.
No brainer, right? But for the space-cadet Sagittarius spirit in me, this can be difficult. Constantly centering someone else’s needs, emotions, and insecurities is a labor of care and kindness – labor that shouldn’t be wasted or taken lightly.
For example, one thing I learned: honesty is intentional. If you find yourself, like me, telling white lies and embellishing everyday life events, ask yourself if you’re mature enough to be in a committed relationship in which honesty is key. Ask yourself if you’re living in the moment, or narrating a dream world in which you are the star of every show, just to impress a partner than can probably see straight through your bullshit?
I find myself performing various women that I think do well in relationships all the time. The go-out, this one’s on me, fun all the time, dancing only with you in the club type girl, for example. The stay-at-home, pj’s, cheap beer, and Netflix type girl. The super smart and witty, take her to your parents, she’s so stylish type girl. But the girl I am isn’t intentional about anything, except Freedom, which often places my heart at odds with what I’m doing.
[Especially since men so want every woman they date to be “just theirs” while they “figure it out”]
Note: Love yourself enough to be sure you’re emotionally growing together. It’s not “taking it slow” – it’s being intentional about checking all the boxes that are important to you in relationships before getting caught up in what you think is happening. It’s okay to want to be sure.
Save the wifey-level effort for someone who’s already worked hard to prove their worth.
I consider myself pretty fucking fantastic….beautiful, intelligent, charismatic, quirky, and talented with a healthy understanding of self and surrounding. Sometimes the performance of this high self-esteem blinds me to discrepancies in effort put towards the relationship by all parties.
For example, when I’m with someone and I’m happy, I want to make them happy in return. I’ll cook, do small chores at their place while they use the bathroom, send them memes that match my feelings about them, devote time every week to spend with them, and compromise, compromise, compromise.
But if you lose yourself in trying to please the other people in your romantic life, trust me, you’ll forget that they’re supposed to be matching those efforts. If you take a step back, or hit a rough patch, and you find that you’re still being the heroic problem solving, always compromising, do-anything-to-make-this-work type person while they’re not doing much at all, you’ve discovered a discrepancy of effort, and trust me, it’s better to break it off and let it hurt than drag it out and hope it works.
You can’t make someone be with you, even if they seem like they’re saying all the right things. Actions always speak louder than words.
When we first met, I told my partner that I didn’t want to be anyone’s muse – that I wanted something real, and I wasn’t afraid to say that. He agreed, and I thought after the first few dates that I had really found what I had been looking for.
After two months of ups and downs and me finally realizing I had been subconsciously shoving my partner towards a relationship he didn’t want to be in, I felt low-key numb. Like I had let too much of my inner light out just to see it fly away in the wind immediately upon release. Again.
Now, I’m learning that compromise is not for the beginning of a relationship, but for after some level of commitment from all parties has been established (which in my opinion, warrants compromise).
I’m learning to be more intentional about picking partners, compartmentalizing my needs so I can understand what it is I seek in others, and asking potential partners to do the same. If you really want friends-with-benefits, you probably shouldn’t be saying that you want a committed relationship, and vice versa. Be honest. You deserve whatever it is that you desire.
I’m learning that many people have no moral issue saying whatever it is you need to hear to give them what they want, because many folks don’t consciously realize they’re being manipulative. It’s ok to be skeptical, and it’s ok to refuse requests (like monogamy without commitment, for example). Always stay true to what makes you happy.
So yeah, you ain’t not single until you’re married. I’m kinda on the market, again. Disappointed with the suitors I’ve encountered in my city, again. And wondering what the future holds for my heart…again.
Until next time.