Living Enigmatically

A short write up of inner thoughts and happenings from a typical Saturday at Gardella’s Tavern in Grand Rapids, MI. 

The line just got really short, really fast. I wonder if they’re still letting people in.
Nevermind, it was the $5 cover charge that apparently is turning everyone away.
(wonder what they think cover at the Wood’s is, or rather, any other bar in GR right now)

The music on the first floor is decent, but there’s not a lot of high energy, so let’s try upstairs.
Can you move to the other side of the stairs so I can pass you? No? Ok. I’ll just hold up the entire flight of stairs worth of people behind me. You just take your time.
WOW it is packed up there.
Don’t fall on the stairs. Don’t fall on the stairs. Left stair hip switch, Right stair hip switch.
WHY did you wear heels again? WHY?
Oh yeah, because flats put you closer to the floor, which is by midnight, covered in sweat and regret. Also, the culture.

WHY do I come to the bar again?
Oh yeah, alcohol.

Why do I always wait longer for drinks when the bartenders are both white and female?
It’s a packed bar, you simpleton, just wait.
Wow, it’s really been like 15 minutes that I’ve been standing here. Good thing that white girl next to you told the bartender to serve you first.

~complicated appreciation for said white girl~

Is my friend ok? Yeah, she’s ok. It’s a wonder no one has aggressively hit on her yet.
Oh, wait. Spoke too soon.
She’s got this.

Let’s just sit until the music gets better. Besides, people-watching is the #3 reason I go out at all, right behind social alcoholism and dick.

Please don’t pull up a chair. Please don’t pull up a –
OMG
REALLY
Great, two ugly friends trying to see who has better chances.
I CAN’T EVEN HEAR YOU ABOVE THE MUSIC WHICH EXACERBATES THE FACT THAT I DON’T CARE TO TALK TO YOU LIKE EVER
Yes, I know I look good. I bought the dress on purpose, with money.
No, the dancefloor is out of the question. Have you heard this music? Bye.

If you’re from out of town, you should just write “one night stand” on your forehead in a contrasting color to avoid confusion.
If you’re not from out of town, chances are I’ve seen you on Tinder, and I’d really hate to see someone I’ve matched with on Tinder in this bar right now.

Oh, wait. Spoke too soon.
I think his name is Xavier? Chase? I don’t fucking remember.
I didn’t even message him back.

~finishes drink~

His name is definitely Xavier. Hmmm. Much cuter in person, hairline much more receded however.
God, I’m getting old.
Ooooo goody. Black man Xavier loves white girls! Annndddd loves passing girls around to his friends while feeling all of their butts.

~Black-girl specific depressing thoughts~

The music is still not better. It’s only 1am, we could go somewhere else!
Let’s go somewhere else. Tin can?

Tin can! We are not walking. Lyfting two blocks down? No shame.

Entering Tin Can with Bankroll Fresh stuck in my head, it becomes my tipsy anthem since I am not actually drunk.

“Looking like a trapper when I walked in the building
That mean I got something expensive
Know my frames, they’re killin’
All these hoes I’m killin’”

Let’s go to the bathroom, though, because small bladders are a thing.
Is that my ex?
OH MY GOD THAT’S MY EX.
What was I thinking? Just seeing him is embarrassing.
And what has his girl done to her….face?
Were the blonde curls worth it, girl?
I almost wish we were friends so I could tell her the pitch-black 360 around the eye eye-liner is so 2001, and it needs to go, but clearly since they’re rushing to the bar for the tab, that’s out of the question.

*sunglasses smiley emoji*

I am unforgettable. Stay pressed.

~mental hair flip~

There’s no one cute here either, but alcohol seems to make ugly boys more aggressive.

TAKE A PICTURE IT WILL LAST –
Oh god.
Please don’t come over here
Oh my god.
UGH.
WHY.

**same dude hits on me and my friend for the second time in 15 minutes as his friends look on**

Me, “Didn’t you try this 15 minutes ago?”
Him, “Yeah, but *insert speech about how other boys have made me a mean person but also how this human is exempt from that blame and how I should therefore give him a chance*”
Me, “Ugh”
My friend *~*stares in wtf *~*

He finally walks away. It’s 1:45am.
We go home.
I pass out.
No hangover ❤